I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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