Redeem this text for a blowjob
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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