Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
