i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
