careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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