Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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