how can u be prego again
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
