What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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