Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
