I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
