you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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