Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
