White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize