new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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