M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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