This girl is more easily done than said...
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
This baby is an asshole
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
