When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
