I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
