Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
