I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
