I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
i need some magic done to my vagina
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize