At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
