Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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