I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
