brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
