i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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