That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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