i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
