I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
