i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I just blew my weed a kiss
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Randomize
