I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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