Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
