slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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