he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
