Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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