I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
