Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
How's work?
Spinning.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Randomize
