I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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