Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
