they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Found your dick twin last night
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
