i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
