So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
