Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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