whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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