How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
