All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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