he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize