she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
