When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
