There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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