guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
