There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
