I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
