Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
