come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
