I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
