i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
