I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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