all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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