Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
