That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
