Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
