he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
